Dirt
by usaghinobaka
Summary: Digging is hard work. But Kurogane doesn't stop. Death fic


Digging, Kurogane discovered, was hard work. Shovel goes in, foot presses down, arms lift the shovel with the heavy dirt on it. A turn, empty the shovel.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Every now and again stop for a drink of water.

And then

Repeat.

Shovel.

Dirt.

Turn.

At one point exhaustion took over. His motions became mechanical. But he didn.t stop.

Shovel.

Dirt.

Turn.

Water.

Some immeasurable time later the hole in the ground was done. Deep enough, long enough to fit…

He shook his head. He was too tired. He needed anger, but he was too tired to muster it. So he leaned on the shovel and stared at the hole. At the grave. He had dug to fit two.

Tomoyo came and put a hand on his good shoulder.

"You need to wash and change. The ceremony will begin in an hour."

He looked at her with blank eyes. He nodded and went to wash and change for the 'ceremony'.

A week ago he would have been nagged into washing. Now he didn't care one way or another. While he washed and dressed he kept his eyes closed. He saw white skin, blond hair, blue eyes laughing, perfect lips smiling. Dizzying.

He had to open his eyes when he left his room. He walked and tried to acknowledge the people giving him their regards. He would have been nagged into it.

He watched Tomoyo give the sermon, bless the grave. He watched the body covered in white sheets go down. He saw dirt thrown on them, creating dramatic contrast. He closed his eyes.

Fai was in the garden, blue yukata making his white skin and blond hair glow in the moon light. He turns his head and his eyes sparkle and he is happy.

Kurogane opens his eyes. The grave is done, the people are leaving.

Kurogane wants to stop living.

He thinks he understands the mage better now. There is a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live. Wanting to die implies a goal. Not wanting to live is empty. The pain so great and overwhelming you can't feel. It numbs. It suffocates.

Fai was brave.

Kurogane is not.

"Wait for me" he says, looking at the pile of dirt in front of him. He wasn't talking to the dirt.

"He would have wanted you to go on. To be happy."

"Yeah," he says, his voice empty. "I know."

He closes his eyes and is blessed with an image of Fai naked, sprawled on the futon, cheeks red, eyes ablaze, mouth half open. Panting.

A week later Kurogane is on a battle field. He no longer counts time in hours or days. He counts it in Fai images.

The enemy soldier attacks him swiftly but he is just as swiftly killed. Kurogane feels nothing.

He closes his eyes. Fai is mixing some god awful, outrageously sweet things. His hair is neatly tied behind his back. The tip of his tongue is caught between his lips. He is focused.

When he opens his eyes he sees a blade. His sharp reflexes are difficult to subdue, but he manages. The blade enters his stomach. He feels its end exiting his back. The enemy is shocked enough to leave the blade, turn tail and run.

Kurogane slowly takes the sword out. He expected pain, but there's none. It made sense. One can't feel pain, or anything else for that matter, without a heart.

His body falters and falls to the ground. He closes his eyes. Fai takes his had and leads him into the forest near the castle. They walk in the pleasant shade and talk about sweet nothings.

When he opens his eyes he's lying on a camp bed in an army tent. Tomoyo is holding his hand. Her eyes are full of tears.

He opens his mouth to speak, but he finds that he can't. Fresh tears fall down Tomoyo's cheeks, her shoulders quivers, but her voice is steady.

"You've been deadly wounded. We did everything we could."

Kurogane nods. He stares at her and opens his mouth to speak again, but again nothing comes out.

"Don't. You've been out for three days. We thought you wouldn't come out of it before you…"

Kurogane nods again and squeezes her hand. Fai would have wanted him to.

He closes his eyes again. Fai is wearing his Celes garb. He even has his staff. He's smiling a true smile.

The next morning Tomoyo has Fai's tomb upset long enough to put Kurogane in there as well. She doesn't think it would help them much, but it makes her feel better. She puts a white lily and a red chrysanthemum on the fresh dirt and whispers a goodnight prayer. For the first time in her life she wishes, really wishes that there was an afterlife. Because the two buried in front of her had had too little happiness. It was just simply not fair.

So she hoped and prayed for an afterlife.


End file.
